Welcome to my Porn Corner.
If you've ever wondered what the taboo girls watching, wanted to watch what we're watching, or wondered if what we're watching is any good, visit my porn corner often. I'll critique the industry's most prestigious new releases as well as DVDs that just strike my fancy. Everything I review is available for sale or rent in Taboo, but I promise to be fair -- if it sucks, I'll say it sucks.
Happy reading, and happy
watching.
If you have comments, questions, or suggestions, you can always email
me.
“Hooligans”-JM Productions
4 vibes
Trashy Bitches Doing Trashy Shit
Hillary Scott is a naughty little hooligan, vandalizing the corporate guy’s (Alec Knight) shipment of plain brown boxes. He threatens to call the police and then suggests that her daddy didn’t use enough discipline. You’d expect him to drag her into the factory and take her over his knee, but he pusses out so Hillary takes matters into her own hands. She chokes on his cock for a while and announces “that’s what I call discipline.” Might have been, had he been the one in control, but who am I to sweat the details when a cock is getting sucked but good.
As the sex progresses, she announces that she wants to taste her own ass, that she wants his balls on her ass, that she wants to taste her pussy, and that she can’t feel his cock. Really? It’s like 11 inches. She taunts him throughout, sprinkling phrases like “C’mon you’re supposed to be disciplining me” with standards like “God, you’re so fucking deep.” Hillary’s not only the party in charge, she’s the only one worth watching. Aside from his pretty awesome 11 inch dick, Alec is a pawn. By the time he cums in her mouth by the Fex-Ed boxes, she’s missing her fake eyelashes and her make-up is a mess. Nice.
There’s a reason why Audrey Hollander and husband Outto Bauer share so many scenes—they’re fucking good together. In this one, he’s taken her back to his apartment to reward her for a job well done breaking windows. Initially another dude is in on the action, but he’s soon alienated and classic Audrey and Otto sex commences with him shouting such husbandly phrases as “stick your fucking tongue out and lick my nuts you fucking whore” and “say you like to squirt beer out of your asshole.” (She says it, by the way, and then does it, all the while giggling manically. She’s either an amazing actresses or a pretty sick bitch. For our intents and purposes, thumbs up either way.)
After her ass has consumed a six pack, someone produces a hammer and she uses that to facilitate a DP. The only explanation we ever get for the hammer is one slurred and slightly insane sounding “Hammer time!” Otto coaches an obviously worn out (but still kickin’!) Audrey through the final positions.
Napolean is a drunken midget serenading no one with “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” Missy Monroe is a cheerleader being taken advantage of in the next room. There is absolutely no setting this scene up, and within the first two minutes she pukes a little and I feel we’re getting somewhere.
It’s a quick, rough scene, and it’s good, but I spend most of it wondering when the midget’s going to reappear. Trent Tesoro cums and leaves the scene before Missy crawls towards Napolean. He stands on a keg and she sucks him off. It’s pretty unremarkable and kind of sad, but no less than what I expected from Missy Monroe.
Isabel Ice is wasted and pissed. Something about bitches and assholes, as far as I can tell. Unfortunately (or fortunately) for her, she’s trespassing in Lee Stone’s storage facility. He tells her to leave, she tells him she’s a hooligan, and it’s the Hillary Scott scene all over again, but with a British accent and a more demanding man. He slaps her around a bit and she loves it. It’s a great scene, but I think we climaxed between Audrey’s beer bottle and Missy’s vomit.
The almost always underrated JM Productions cast four great girls in this very dirty movie. Hillary Scott and Audrey Hollander really seem to get off on abuse and Missy Monroe and Isabel Ice are undoubtedly trashy. In my professional opinion, you should watch this movie. Also in my professional opinion, if you miss this movie it’s no huge loss—as long as a comparable JM movie is close at hand. Stay clear of the early titles and those that were deemed obscene by the U.S. government. The others are safe and well worth your while.
“The Wet Room”-Ninn Worx
2 vibes
Oh You Meant That Kind of Wet
The Wet Room “celebrates the art of squirting.” It also purports to be “the wettest video you’ll see this year.”
When it opens with Jenna Presley masturbating under a steady shower of water, I no longer doubt its claim. The only thing the water accomplishes is distorting Jenna’s ejaculations. Lesson number one: Even in the art of squirting, the art should never come before the squirt.
Cythera, undisputed queen of the squirt, enters, and she and Jenna share a scene that, aside from some short-lived forplay, is completely without passion. Jenna especially looks like she’s concentrating on cumming and isn’t particularly enjoying herself otherwise. By this point, the water coming from the ceiling is downright annoying.
An inexplicable guy in a mask and vinyl “PIG” shirt enters the scene. He’s talking, but even with the volume all the way up, I can’t tell if he’s speaking English. He and the girls seem to struggle over dominance, which isn’t awkward or exciting, but interesting. The whole movie is starting to look like art for art’s sake, which is really disappointing. Lesson number two: Even the art of squirting needs real sex.
Next up, Missy Monroe is spraying inflatable tulips with a water bottle, which excites her terribly. She sprays herself. I get it, wet is hot, but this is just silly. She finally settles onto an inflatable cushion and begins masturbating, with one drop of water steadily falling down the screen. It’s as distracting as listening to a leaky faucet. Thank goodness adorable Cytherea appears, and begins narrating. Two men flank Missy, and I think that if I can get past their PVC aprons, I might actually enjoy this scene.
I do. Missy is good, and Cytherea is great. The only problem is that the scene is too long. Finally, the guys cum in an inflatable tulip, which Missy licks like that crazed cat licker on the stop smoking commercials. Maybe length wasn’t the only problem.
Cytherea is smoking, the ceiling is raining, and the music is awful. If the intro the last scene had been the intro to the first, you wouldn’t be reading this because I wouldn’t have gotten any further. Angela Stone is an impressive squirter, but unless squirting is really your thing, it’s just more of the same. She masturbates, she squirts. She fucks, she squirts. The credits roll, and all I want is to feel dry.
I don’t want to seem unappreciative of these lovely squirting ladies, but shame on Ninn Worx for trying so hard to be artsy. Rule number three: Porn is rarely art, and porn shouldn’t be ashamed of that.
“1 Night in Jail”-Adam & Eve
2 vibes
Bachelor Party Approved
As if “1 Night in Paris” weren’t amusing enough, Adam & Eve created “1 Night in Jail,” the tale of a socialite, her sex tape, and her unfortunate encounter with the law. The story opens when “Penis Holdin” (Aurora Snow) and her friend “Some Chick” (Faye Runaway) are pulled over for drunk driving. Some Chick tries to work something out with arresting officer Mark Ashley, but despite his assurances, the next scene finds Penis in jail, texting her best friend “Dickhole Itchy.”
A few cells down, Rebeca Linares is pulling on her bars and hollering in an accident so thick that the only words I can make out are “beetch” and “pussy.” It’s a great performance, and she doesn’t even break character when prison guard Lee Stone enters her cell to fuck her.
In the next scene, “Wolfgang Fuck,” a large-breasted German cook (played by Evan Stone) delivers Penis Holdin a penis and bologna sandwich. I know, I thought we were watching a light-hearted, low budget Adam & Eve flick, too. Penis attacks Wolfgang’s penis with almost comical force. As the scene progresses, her enthusiasm nears hysteria. I don’t know whether to be excited or scared.
Everything’s back to normal when Dickhole Itchy (Jessica Valentino) approaches Penis Holdin with the idea of a sex tape to “save the poor from a lack of designer fashion.” The following lesbian scene is even more boring than the real Paris tape. The last scene is fellow socialite Maya Hills’ unnotable POV contribution.
“1 Night in Jail” might have scored no vibes at all if it didn’t make fun of itself. Throughout the movie text pops up on the screen providing helpful hints such as “This is the longest undressing scene ever. Fast forward if you don’t want to fall asleep with your dick in your hand.” When night becomes day between scenes supposedly shot moments apart, the movie makes sure we notice. It even makes fun of its stars.
This is not a movie to masturbate too, but it is most certainly entertaining. If I were judging on a scale of best to watch with friends or give as gag gift, “1 Night in Jail” would get four vibes. If you’ve been assigned DVD duty for a bachelor party, buy this movie! If you’re shopping for a romantic night in or something for your personal sexual pleasure, look elsewhere.
“Naughty Bookworms 6”—Naughty America
1 vibe
I'd Rather Read A Book
Scene 1: Cassie Young is upset because all of the other girls in her class are getting good grades. She confronts her professor and asks if it’s because they’re sucking his dick. She ends her lengthy rant with “I may be a nerd and all, but I know how to suck dick, okay?”
He replies, “You had me at hello.” Yes, this is that kind of porn.
So Cassie’s upset about her grades, and I’m upset because Cassie is a tattooed blonde with fake eyelashes and her professor is a British man named Mr. London. She gives him head; he gives her head; they have sex; I notice that the clock on the wall reads 9:15; I wonder what kind of break in the school day this is; it’s not after school; it’s not a lunch break; it could be his planning period; but then shouldn’t she be in class; this is what I’m wondering while people are fucking on my TV. Enough said.
Scene 2: Presley Maddox is a T.A. whose boyfriend’s in trouble. If he doesn’t get A’s in the two classes he’s failing, he’ll lose his spot as star quarterback. If not more realistic, this scenario is at least more more thought out than the first. After enough deliberation, the teacher decides to go ahead and let Presley suck his cock. It’s a good cock, so Presley decides to fuck it.
I liked this teacher. He’s the only male star I (unsuccessfully) tried to attach a name to. He made noise other than feeding Presley directions, and his overall enthusiasm was good. My favorite part of the scene is when Presley smacks her own ass and yells “Go, go, go!” In the end, Mr. Anonymous cums on Presley’s glasses. Isn’t that really what it’s all about?
Scene 3: Roxie West doesn’t want to read the chapter. She’d rather earn her A by sucking the teacher’s cock. Roxie begs to see his hard cock. She can’t wait to see his hard cock. She is “really excited to see [his] hard cock,” but when his cock comes out, it isn’t hard! The cumshot is so weak I had to rewind to catch it. You can imagine the sex in between.
Scene 4: Brandi Lace is sitting on her teacher’s desk, doodling their names inside a heart. He tries to resist. He reminds her that he’s about to retire and can’t risk it the scandal. (He looks like he’s 30.) He eventually relents, and boring head commences. It’s so boring, I’m actually looking for a clock in the scene. They start having sex. I fast forward a little. I text back and forth with Deanna plans for the Heartbreaker’s Ball. There’s a bit of masturbation, but because Brandi’s face isn’t that cute, I’m not into it. Even the cumshot is boring. And it totally misses her glasses.
Scene 5: Krystal Jordan’s teacher is helping her study when she catches him staring at her chest. He apologizes and admits that she’s a distractingly pretty girl. This is the beginning of the movie’s best scene. The stars fit the student/teacher roles better than those of any other, and the plot unfolds in the right amount of time. He admits that he’d give up his career to eat her pussy and she, flattered and excited, lets him. The oral is great—it’s easy to believe that he’s wanted this girl all semester. The sex is good too. But the scene ends in typical Naughty Bookworms 6 fashion—with a closed mouth cumshot.
In synopsis, the girls in this movie may have been naughty, but they were not bookworms. They were porn stars in sneakers and glasses fucking one on one in bare rooms with green chalkboards. If you’re going to make a movie about naughty bookworms, give me a virgin who falls intellectually in love with her father figure teacher, or a nerd who is so intent on learning everything there is to learn she approaches her teacher with the Kama Sutra. I’m sure creativity wasn’t Naughty America’s main goal (this is, afterall, volume six) but I would have liked to have seen something different, or the slightest bit exciting.
"Screwed & Tattooed" — Wicked
2 vibes
They Got It Half Right
The covers of Wicked's four hour comps boast "Not Just 4 Hours--Wicked 4 Hours" and they're absolutely right. With hundreds of high end movies to their credit, Wicked's complilations are in a different league than those of other companies. This one, however, did not live up to my expectations.
It isn't that the scenes aren't good; they are, and most of them are relatively recent. The problem is that very few of those getting "screwed" are really tattooed. Sure, most of the girls have something--a rose on the ankle or a butterfly on the hip--but in the porn industry you'd be hard pressed to find a girl without a tattoo like that. During the opening credits I saw only two small tattoos. The only really tattooed girl in the movie shows up in the second scene, but she's pretty gross.
Kaylani Lei's armband does not a tattooed girl make. Nor does the quarter-sized blob on the boob of the star in the fifth scene, which was apparently filmed in 1985. But that's as bad as it gets. There are only a couple of decade plus old scenes, leaving us with three and half very watchable hours. We even get two scenes with a younger (and healthier looking) Jenna Jameson. My favorite parts are Alexa, Leanni Lei, and Ian Daniels in a scene that actually feels like college kids experimenting in a dorm room, Jessica Drake licking a cum from the pages of a book, and Shanna Edwards recieving a load on a tattoo that says "Justin."
Wicked, we love you for your stars, your directors, and your storylines, but please, leave the tattooed girls to Vivid Alt.
"Tales from the Crack" — Evil Empire
5 vibes
Vampires, Nurses, and Cowgirls—Oh My!
Erotic comic artist John Howard teamed up with John “Buttman” Stagliano to create Tales from the Crack, the first of the Buttman Comics movies. It stars Belladonna, so you know it can’t go wrong, but there are other reasons it’s earned five vibes.
It begins with Bella parking in front of a biker bar and ordering “three shots of your cheapest tequila.” She has everyone’s attention as soon as she walks in and the bartender thinks he recognizes her. He soon realizes she’s the cover star of one of his favorite dirty comic books. He pulls it out, and they have themselves a read.
In the first story (which wastes little time switching from drawings to real people) a waitress’s (Haley Paige) cigarette break is interrupted by a sex-crazed vampire played by Jayna Oso. Jayna lifts Haley’s skirt and leaves some nice lipstick marks on her ass. She’s just bared her fangs when Evan Stone appears to save the sweet waitress. With a cross in one hand and a dildo-shaped sword in the other, he quickly tames the beast by shoving the dildo sword down her throat. (It suppresses the fangs, he says.) He encourages Haley to fight evil as well, by kissing Jayna and removing her top. When Jayna cums on Evan’s hand (an orgasm that is definitely real) he shouts “Hallelujah!” and proceeds to fuck her while Haley sits on her face. After he has successfully fucked the evil out of Jayna, Evan senses evil in Haley, and fucks her too. What makes this scene stand out (aside from the whole vampire thing) is how well Jayna and Evan stay in character. Haley slips into the generic, overly vocal porn star role, but her turn is near the end and she’s got a nice ass, so who cares. Lines like “I have to fuck her ass now—it’s the only way” are so awful, they’re wonderful. It’s the stuff comic books are made of.
Bella and her barmates flip to the next story. It’s classic naughty nurse stuff, but with a Buttman spin. Shayna Knight feels “uncomfortable in [her] anus,” and Mason Storm and Alicia Rhodes are more than willing to check her out. Before I get into the scene, I have an announcement: Stormy, I love you, but Alicia Rhodes is my new favorite big-breasted blonde. She’s like an incredibly dirty Pamela Anderson with a British accent and no Kid Rock in her past. She has my heart. Moving on.
Shayna disrobes (everyone knows you have to take off your shirt for an anal exam) and climbs onto the table doggie style. Alicia probes with a gloved finger and eventually calls the doctor in. The speculum is uncomfortable, but licking the doctor’s pants helps. A nice foursome follows, and picture in picture technology helps us keep an eye on everyone at once. It gets rough for a nurse scene, but like I said, it’s got the Buttman spin.
Back at the bar, Bella says she’ll be ready to go after one more shot. The other girl in the bar (Taylor Rain) is already ready. The bartender and a patron fuck her in a scene that is neither bad nor exceptional.
Back to the comic book! The final story stars Roxy Jezel (speaking of cute British girls) and Tiffany Mynx as cowgirls looking to rope some man-cows. They spy some naked men munching on greenery and quickly lasso four of them. They lay their prizes side by side and smother them with their tits and asses. It’s femdom in a field with cowboy hats! It’s brilliant.
After a while they tie their conquests together and lead them back to the stable. They pick one particularly well hung man-cow and take him away from the others to choke on his cock and fuck him. As he’s cumming, they brand him. Tiffany receives his load and croons, “Moo juice is sooo good!”
Belladonna is ready. She knocks out the obnoxious drunk of the group and takes on the last patron standing and the bartender. (Is anyone surprised the guy who gets it twice is the bartender?) If you’ve ever seen Belladonna in action, you can already imagine this scene. Amazing tits, amazing ass, amazing deep throat, amazing energy. It puts Taylor to shame, and Taylor wasn’t half bad!
Tales from the Crack is sexy and creative, and it comes with a bonus disc of bloopers, photo galleries, bonus scenes, and “the making of.” I’d recommend it to every flavor but vanilla.
“Up’r Class 2” - 3rd Degree
3 vibes
Sad but True.
Lanny Barby is one of my favorite stars to look at. Her long black hair,
light eyes, and tan skin pretty much make up for her occasional
performance faults. She begins her scene by herself, and she looks, and
masturbates, beautifully. After not too long a penis appears, which we
eventually see belongs to Mick Blue. She immediately starts licking,
which is sexy, but it quickly becomes clear that she isn’t planning on
taking much more than the head into her mouth. No matter—she’s still
stunning, and the sex that follows is good. It's when they move to anal,
though, that she really shines. Her ass eagerly accepts his cock, and she
seems to genuinely prefer it there. She’s still pretty when the cumshot
rolls around—she even manages to look sweet.
While Lanny began her scene by getting undressed, Katsumi begins by
getting dressed. When we first see her she’s wearing only a garter belt,
but we watch her put on stockings, a bra, panties, and shoes before she
takes them off again. She strips on a bed, which is approached by another
penis. . . and it’s Pat Myne. He helps her remove her shoes, and there’s
some foot licking that’s sure to be a hit with foot/hosiery fetishers.
Katsumi’s oral is more aggressive than Lanny’s, and she prepares herself
for anal with all four of her fingers, all the way in. The anal with Pat,
however, seems to cause her pain. Several times, Pat has to remind her
“it’s okay,” while slapping her ass.
Michelle B is hot, but nothing special--until she starts to perform. She
seems to be into what she’s doing with Mick Blue the whole time--maybe
because he readies her with some oral of her own--ahem--and she’s by far
the most vocal performer so far. There’s some standing up action that
Mick beautifully transforms into standing up 69. The passion in this
scene is constant.
Next, Sandra Romain gets her turn with Pat Myne (is there a shortage of
male porn stars working with 3rd Degree?) She strips in the same fashion
as the girls before her, except she comes out of it wearing a butt plug.
The plug disappears many times during her scene, but it’s always close at
hand. Pat uses it in her ass, she puts it in her mouth, and at one point
it helps facilitate a DP. The scene doesn’t really get going until Sandra
starts to take control, which appears to be unscripted. Pat may have
enjoyed dominating Katsumi, but he loves being dominated by Sandra. It
begins with light choking; then, she slaps him. He is obviously surprised
and obviously thrilled. They move into a face-sitting 69, which he spends
part of with his hands happily at his sides. Like the scene with Katsumi,
Pat climaxes in Sandra’s mouth, and we don’t see the cum until she drools
it out.
Monica Sweetheart is cute. She’s the girl next door, or your best
friend’s daughter. She strips for the camera, and even as she does all
the right things, you think she’s wondering if she’s doing them right.
For the second time in Up’r Class 2, the girls receive oral. The sex (with
Mark Ashley) is pretty bland. She doesn’t seem to enjoy the anal. With
her eyes closed, she looks like she’s trying to convince herself that it
doesn’t hurt, and when she starts rubbing her clit, you get the impression
she’s trying to improve a bad situation, not enhance a moment she’s lost
in.
Up’r Class 2 is all about the girls. So little of the men is shown, I
initially wondered if it was POV. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It
follows a formula—-girl gets naked, girl touches herself, girl approaches
penis, penis leads to man. Also, not a bad thing, as long as the sex
itself varies from scene to scene. This movie gets a 4 for girls, a 4 for
production, and a 2 for originality, earning it a 3 overall--I round down
in favor of customer satisfaction.
“Those Fuckin' Nuts” - Evil Empire, Rocco Siffredi Productions
5 vibes
Not your parents' porn.
Scene one: Three Italian guys and one French guy are upset about being drafted by the U.S. Army. Ironically, not because they’re Italian and French. Then an American who’s also been recruited arrives, and boy, is he pissed. “If I’m gonna die for something. . . I’m gonna die for pussy!” he declares, and off our boys go, to a house where two scantily clad girls are having a snowball fight. The girls greet the American (Mike Chapman) and don’t question his friends, who are already fondling the girls. A+ for getting straight to the point. Eventually the whole group is united, but Mike isn’t in the mood. As he plots his impending demise (“If I get my dick blown off, I don’t have a life anymore!”) an impressive orgy commences. What’s even more impressive is that when it’s all over, one of the girls goads Mike into letting her suck him off. The blowjob is too short, but it’s the thought that counts. And apparently, the blowjob gave Mike a great idea of how to get out of going to war.
Cut to a Military Sanitarium, where the inmates wear pajamas and hump each other. An officer tours the facility, trying to determine if they’re all actually insane. Here we find our friends, dressed as obscene versions of Pinocchio, Dracula, a boxer whose name I didn’t’ catch, Napoleon, and the President of the United States. The nurses are wearing fishnets and short PVC costumes, which for a split second strikes me as odd. One of them takes especially good care of the Captain, and I enjoy watching.
Meanwhile, President Mike Chapman is preparing a revolution. Concerned that his sanity may be uncovered, he starts a riot during meds, hopping on a table and declaring, “Fuck politics! Fuck life! … Let’s all fuck each other!” The staff eagerly agrees, and everyone present, save a male doctor and the three (older) female inmates, participates. Where are they, you ask? Watching closely, over naked shoulders. Mike, in his PJs and Lincoln hat us being serviced by a blonde nurse when he declares the revolution a success. When Doctor Kitty Sixx walks in on the action she’s angry, but she leaves and everyone finishes just fine.
“I’ve had an awful day,” Kitty complains to her boyfriend, played by the disturbingly sexy Jean Val Jean, when he picks her up from work. He tries to help her relax, but they’re only a kiss and an ass-grab in before she hallucinates(?) Mike and his friends on her couch. When Jean goes off to investigate, they reappear, put her in a pseudo straight-jacket under a glass table and taunt her until Jean shows up with a handful of nurses. I think the scene might switch again, but happily, it doesn’t, and a full-on reverse gang bang ensues. Jean gives each girl a mouthful, and the girls circle the good doctor (still under the table) on their hands and knees and then play with their saliva (why’d they swallow?) on the glass.
But we’re still not done! We go straight into the reappearance of the phantoms in face paint, this time with a Cindy Lords in tow. Kitty resists for as long as she can, but even she can’t deny, after Mike hears his own echo in her asshole, that Mike and company are crazy, and unsuited for war.
“Those Fuckin’ Nuts” isn’t for conservative viewers or beginners, but for everyone else, it has it all—humor, hot European chicks, a gangbang, a reverse gang bang, and even one-on-one. Whatever happened to the asylum lookers on, you ask? Two of the women and the male “doctor” share a banana during the closing credits. . . but stop when they accidentally touch tongues
“House of Ass” - Seymore Butts
5 vibes
So Good. So Good. So Good.
Where do I begin? How about 9:17am? Seymore is conducting business over the phone when he’s interrupted by sex sounds coming from elsewhere in his house. Upon investigation and finds Barbara Summer and Herschel Savage involved in some heavy foreplay. They’re already into anal when Mari Possa enters. Mari’s headed to the gym, but she quickly abandons her plans in favor of a “workout” with Barbara and Herschel. Why these two beautiful young girls are so eager to spend the morning in bed with 55 year old Herschel is beyond me. . . . oh wait-his giant cock. Herschel fucks them both repeatedly. There’s plenty of ATM (mostly Mari’s M, regardless of the A,) multiple orgasms (at least half of which are real,) and everyone says “so good” no less than twenty times.
Later that day. . . Seymore’s taking a shit. Luckily, all we see is the bathroom door. A faceless girl comes looking for him and he explains that he’s sick. The purpose of this scene? I have no idea. But soon we join Kurt Lockwood and Chelsea Zinn who are tired of waiting for someone, presumably Seymore, to show up so they decide to “just fuck now.” Chelsea is seriously an animal. She’s loves choking on Kurt’s dick (there’s lots of gagging and that good ol’ gluh gluh gluh noise) and she pays a lot of attention to his asshole. I wasn’t all that into this scene at first, but I eventually became so engrossed that when Kurt told Chelsea to “spit on it” I actually prepared to obey him. Chelsea is coming and Kurt is stepping on her face when Seymore final shows and announces his camera has been stolen. (Who’s been filming?) The couple isn’t too upset, and they finish their business with little to no Seymore involvement.
Two days later. . . Tiana Lynn, Angela Stone, and Flower Tucci are already naked when Seymore arrives with two handfuls of sex toys for them to test. Tiana and Angela ask Flower which she’d like to try first, and she says “I like that anal one”-these are Seymore girls for sure. This is the only movie I’ve ever seen where the lesbian scene is the strongest one. The girls take turns playing with each other and trying out new toys until all three have squirted. Then they line up on the bed, anally masturbating in perfect formation. Tiana squirts again, then Flower does, then Flower announces she isn’t done and squirts some more, then Angela does. You think it has to be over, but it’s not. The girls squirt repeatedly until I’m sure someone’s going to die of dehydration. When they’re finally finished, they giggly report on their favorite toys.
The next day. . . Seymore is ready to play the winner of backgammon game but she (Melissa Lauren) is sitting on the loser’s (Mark Davis) face. It’s a weak follow-up to the three squirters, but with Melissa’s deep throat and Mark’s British accent, it’s a still a winner in my book. In my opinion, “House of Ass” is about as good as it gets for a straight, anal-intensive, full length DVD.
“Deep Indulgence” - Playgirl TV
4 vibes
Julian, I was Wrong!
I wanted to review one of Playgirl’s movies because they’re so important. Playgirl DVDs are made for women. They focus on fantasies common among real women and they feature—get this—men who are actually hot. I chose Deep Indulgence because Julian is in it. I have never liked Julian, but in recent years he’s surrounded some awful tattoos with some not-so-awful tattoos, and on the cover of Deep Indulgence I noticed a flaming skull on his hand. Intrigued by this ballsy and cheesy selection, I decided to give Julian another chance.
This movie consists of eight longish scenes, all with one woman and one man. In the first, a museum employee receives her favorite birthday present. Her boyfriend (The crazy-sexy Nico) fulfills her fantasy by posing as a nude statue and letting her bring him to life. She speaks intermittently, and while the dialog’s a little silly, it reinforces the female perspective.
The next scene is Julian’s. He plays a realtor who is easily seduced by Rebecca Love, whose house he’s trying to sell. Maybe I’m a sucker for a heavily tattooed man in a nice suit, but Julian wins me over. The sex is very believable, with the couple sharing several little smiles. The only problem is that there was no hand tattoo. Apparently, it was photoshopped into the cover picture. To the genius at Playgirl TV: You may have gotten me, but I seriously doubt that little marketing ploy is going to work for anyone else.
The remainder of the movie features, among other things, a real life married couple in a sexual photo shoot (what is it with photo shoot scenes?) and a woman turning her gay hairdresser straight (that guy is way too good at cunnilingus.) Near the middle of the DVD there’s an interview with Voodoo. He poses and strips, and after the interview, a woman appears and begins caressing him. I expect boring sex, but instead she watches him get himself off. This is something I’ve never seen in a straight movie before, and for this I have to applaud Playgirl. Applaud Playgirl and rewind. . . .
In addition to the bulk of the feature, this DVD has an impressive extras menu, including stripping men, movie previews, and the most female-friendly ménage-a-trios I’ve ever seen. It may have taken adult entertainment a long time to get here, but Playgirl is making sure that female-friendly porn is being done right. Deep Indulgence appeals to women without being condescending. In short, this movie has a lot of foreplay, a lot of natural breasts, and a lot of kick ass six packs, but there’s nothing inhibited about its female characters. This is the perfect DVD for couples and single women.
“Jenna Loves Justin” - Club Jenna
2 vibes
Stop After the First Scene
When the movie opened and Jenna was alone in a metal bra China doll lipstick, I thought I was in for one of those lame masturbation scenes that uses atypical wardrobe and props to distract from the fact that it is a lame masturbation scene. I was pleasantly surprised when a penis popped into the picture and within a few minutes, Jenna was riding Justin Sterling’s face. One good thing about this scene is that it doesn’t dawdle. Jenna and Justin go swiftly from there into a 69 and then they start having sex with Justin on top and giving it to her harder than Jenna usually takes it. When she says, “Slow down,” and he doesn’t, I clap my hands and exclaim, “Finally, Jenna!” but my excitement is short-lived. When they switch positions and she regains control, the sex turns stale.
Next, there’s a photo shoot-style scene that begins with Jenna lying around looking cute and ends with her rolling around looking sexy. The whole thing takes entirely too long. I am more than ready for the impending Briana Banks/Krystal Steal scene, which from the beginning is slightly better than your usual blonde hair, fake breast lesbian scene—but only slightly. There intensity level is a little above average and the ending—side-by-side masturbation—is nice.
Throw in a Nikita Denise’s masturbation scene. She spices it up with a whip and a little DP, but her camera-friendly faces kind of ruin it for me. One of the big draws of masturbation scenes is the candidness, and this has none of that. Trust me—this is not what a girl looks like when she’s alone. After this, I’m ready for Justin again, but no, it’s just Jenna in roller skates having more pictures taken of her.
Finally, Justin’s back, in a scene originally shown in “Bella Loves Jenna.” The only problem is he’s supposed to be dead so he’s all painted up with a white, veiny face, red make-up around his eyes, and white contacts. It’s Jenna’s job to fuck him back to life and she does, but by the time he’s alive enough to get on top and show us some action reminiscent of the first scene, we’ve already lost interest.
Next up, Jenna and Tawny Roberts work so hard playing it up for the camera that they forget to enjoy themselves. The only difference between this scene and a Club magazine is $30 and the ability to flip from page to page. Then, Jenna spends another scene alone, this time taking a bubble bath in her lingerie. Since any hope I had for realism is gone, I can appreciate the way the suds look on her stockings. Thank God Justin’s back in scene eight, this time fucking Krystal while Jenna touches herself in the background. I don’t know what it is about this scene that I can’t really get into. Perhaps it’s the discoesque atmosphere or the fact that Krystal is wearing a rhinestone belt and pasties. Near the end, Jenna becomes more involved and the artsy crap becomes a little easier to cut through.
In the final scene, Jenna is struggling with a lever of some sort when Nikita shows up with a crop to help her out or take advantage of her, I’m not sure which. Dirty, greasy lesbian sex ensues with Nikita as the aggressor until Jenna inexplicably takes control, ripping Nikita’s shirt and brandishing a strap-on. In the beginning of the scene the camera gets a lot of annoying seductive smirks, but when Nikita pulls out her dildo strapped to a drill (forcing me to exclaim “Why didn’t you start with this?!”) the passion seems to become real and the movie goes out with a bang not unlike the one it came in with.
I would recommend “Jenna Loves Justin” to people who are fairly new to porn and to people who love lesbian scenes. I would definitely not recommend it to anyone who is tired of the same-old high budget stuff or to anyone who loves Justin.