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This Ain't The Partridge Family

“This Ain’t The Partridge Family” – Hustler Video

What you didn’t see in 1973

The current crisis in the Partridge Family is that Keith (Nick Manning, obviously 40, but still sexy) can’t find a date! His bad luck with women is beginning to affect his musical ability, and mom Shirley (Payton Leigh) is afraid they’ll never make it to the U.S. Music Awards. Luckily, Danny (Sinclair) has discovered, and mail ordered, a solution. It’s a secret elixir, guaranteed to boost one’s sex appeal!

When the elixir arrives, Shirley is worried about Keith’s fragile psyche and Keith is worried about potential hair loss, so the Danny hides half of it in Shirley’s perfume bottle and splashes the other half on himself. After band practice, a groupie (Kristina Rose) is drawn to Danny’s scent, and seduces him in his dressing room. She’s tiny and adorable, and he’s a middle-aged man in a shaggy auburn wig, but it’s porn, and it works. Near the end she takes a break to finger herself, and her enthusiasm seems genuine for the last few moments. Better late than never.

That night, Laurie (Tori Black) has a date with wealthy playboy Eric Swiss. She pronounces that she doesn’t mind that he doesn’t have a condom, as long as he promises not to cum inside her, and she quickly strips off everything but her scarf and scarves down his dick with overly dramatic enthusiasm. A few “Oh My Goodnesses” sercure this dirty scene as a Partridge Family performance. She might be faking it, but she fakes it well.

Even Chris (Scott Lyons), who the family worries might be gay, is benefiting from the elixir. Manager Ruben (James Bartholet) recounts interrupting Chris getting a blow job in the garage! The all oral scene is solid, and afterwards the girl apparently isn’t finished—she stands up and asks where she can find Ruben.

Freckle-faced Tracy (Faye Reagan) is next, choking on pizza boy Dane Cross, a star I’ve never seen before with a dick that nearly knocks her out when she unzips his pants. She also appears to enjoy herself, and his soft dialog is refreshing. Her freckles and his demeanor compliment her fake boobs and his enormous dick. Porn perfection.

Shirley decides to try the elixir for herself. She sends the kids away and calls Ralph (Kris Slater) for grocery delivery. It’s a little disconcerting watching a guy in a juvenile stripped shirt go down on a mother in an unflattering, outdated wig. As often as I criticize dramatic lapses in porn, this is one set up that could use a little glamorization. A 1970s housewife is not a high caliber MILF. If authenticity were the goal, she should have at least removed her clit ring.

Keith finally gives in and tries the elixir when three of Laurie’s friends (Shawnee Lenee, Jaclyn Case, and Madison Scott) come calling for Danny. As he sprinkles the elixir around, clothes come off, boobs come out, and girls start touching girls. If you fantasize about sharing your bed with a gaggle of fake-breasted blondes, this is the scene for you.

In the following four days, Keith writes 27 songs and goes on eight dates! By the time it comes to light that the drug has been discontinued because, among other things, it causes hair loss, Keith is confident enough to score without it. It’s a feel good end to a feel great movie.

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