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Tales From The Crack

“Tales from the Crack” — Evil Empire

Vampires, Nurses, and Cowgirls—Oh My!

Erotic comic artist John Howard teamed up with John “Buttman” Stagliano to create Tales from the Crack, the first of the Buttman Comics movies. It stars Belladonna, so you know it can’t go wrong, but there are other reasons it’s earned five vibes.

It begins with Bella parking in front of a biker bar and ordering “three shots of your cheapest tequila.” She has everyone’s attention as soon as she walks in and the bartender thinks he recognizes her. He soon realizes she’s the cover star of one of his favorite dirty comic books. He pulls it out, and they have themselves a read.

In the first story (which wastes little time switching from drawings to real people) a waitress’s (Haley Paige) cigarette break is interrupted by a sex-crazed vampire played by Jayna Oso. Jayna lifts Haley’s skirt and leaves some nice lipstick marks on her ass. She’s just bared her fangs when Evan Stone appears to save the sweet waitress. With a cross in one hand and a dildo-shaped sword in the other, he quickly tames the beast by shoving the dildo sword down her throat. (It suppresses the fangs, he says.) He encourages Haley to fight evil as well, by kissing Jayna and removing her top. When Jayna cums on Evan’s hand (an orgasm that is definitely real) he shouts “Hallelujah!” and proceeds to fuck her while Haley sits on her face. After he has successfully fucked the evil out of Jayna, Evan senses evil in Haley, and fucks her too. What makes this scene stand out (aside from the whole vampire thing) is how well Jayna and Evan stay in character. Haley slips into the generic, overly vocal porn star role, but her turn is near the end and she’s got a nice ass, so who cares. Lines like “I have to fuck her ass now—it’s the only way” are so awful, they’re wonderful. It’s the stuff comic books are made of.

Bella and her barmates flip to the next story. It’s classic naughty nurse stuff, but with a Buttman spin. Shayna Knight feels “uncomfortable in [her] anus,” and Mason Storm and Alicia Rhodes are more than willing to check her out. Before I get into the scene, I have an announcement: Stormy, I love you, but Alicia Rhodes is my new favorite big-breasted blonde. She’s like an incredibly dirty Pamela Anderson with a British accent and no Kid Rock in her past. She has my heart. Moving on.

Shayna disrobes (everyone knows you have to take off your shirt for an anal exam) and climbs onto the table doggie style. Alicia probes with a gloved finger and eventually calls the doctor in. The speculum is uncomfortable, but licking the doctor’s pants helps. A nice foursome follows, and picture in picture technology helps us keep an eye on everyone at once. It gets rough for a nurse scene, but like I said, it’s got the Buttman spin.

Back at the bar, Bella says she’ll be ready to go after one more shot. The other girl in the bar (Taylor Rain) is already ready. The bartender and a patron fuck her in a scene that is neither bad nor exceptional.

Back to the comic book! The final story stars Roxy Jezel (speaking of cute British girls) and Tiffany Mynx as cowgirls looking to rope some man-cows. They spy some naked men munching on greenery and quickly lasso four of them. They lay their prizes side by side and smother them with their tits and asses. It’s femdom in a field with cowboy hats! It’s brilliant.

After a while they tie their conquests together and lead them back to the stable. They pick one particularly well hung man-cow and take him away from the others to choke on his cock and fuck him. As he’s cumming, they brand him. Tiffany receives his load and croons, “Moo juice is sooo good!”

Belladonna is ready. She knocks out the obnoxious drunk of the group and takes on the last patron standing and the bartender. (Is anyone surprised the guy who gets it twice is the bartender?) If you’ve ever seen Belladonna in action, you can already imagine this scene. Amazing tits, amazing ass, amazing deep throat, amazing energy. It puts Taylor to shame, and Taylor wasn’t half bad.

Tales from the Crack is sexy and creative, and it comes with a bonus disc of bloopers, photo galleries, bonus scenes, and “the making of.” I’d recommend it to every flavor but vanilla.

 

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