Do-over without the dude?
If I were solely judging the females in this porn, its rating would be a few vibes stronger. Unfortunately, its director and sole male star chose to use this DVD (and, I assume, entire series) to try to launch a hopeless hip hop career. What could have been a brilliant blend of rap culture and unadulterated sex ended up a laughable mess, its victims its stars and its viewers.
The DVD opens with a “music video” by star and director, Brian Pumper, who has dubbed himself “B. Pumper” for all rap purposes. It’s a terrible intro, alternating between B. in the booth, B. with fancy cars, B. in front of a painting of a tank(?) and a few bouncing booties. Unimpressive adult movie intros are a dime a dozen, so I’m not concerned… until his second “music video” starts. At this point I become seriously afraid that B. Pumper has completely neglected his dimes for his rhymes, and I might be in for a three discs of ridiculous lyrics, terrible beats, and only the occasional oiled up bottom.
After song number two, Brian finally gets personal with Roxy Renyolds, discussing her elementary school Jheri Curl, myspace connections, and who designed her outfit, before slowly getting her naked and getting into some sex. Twenty-three minutes have elapsed since the start of the DVD.
Roxy is talented, and B. Pumper is too. He’s well endowed, her ass is to die for, and they’re both great at oral. They enjoy multiple positions in a fairly lengthy scene that I would have thoroughly enjoyed had I not been cringing in anticipation of what might be next.
And cringing, I should have been. It was a rant (B. in front of a wall of graffiti, B. in a car dealership, B. in a car in a car dealership) about how much it sucks when you’re at a pool party and a friend of the girl you’re talking to cock blocks you. And about how she’s always a fat, ugly girl. And about how it’s worse when she’s a pretty girl. And how you’re like, “What the fuck?! You pretty! Why you hatin!” Which launches us into the music video for “Stop Hatin Fat Bitch.”
The booty shakers are Janea Jolie and Katie Cummings and when the song is over, we spend time with them on the couch, discussing whether we like or dislike swallowing and sex with girls. (We like both.) Silly stripper personalities Janea and Katie spend a minute each going down on each other before Brian directs them to walk naked around the pool holding hands and occasionally spread their ass cheeks and giggle. When it’s finally time for the hardcore action, (one hour and 21 minutes into the film) B. Pumper is right there in the middle. All hope for a fun lesbian scene is lost.
Next music video! B.’s in the dealership! B.’s in the studio! B.’s in his living room! And finally, B.’s with Ms. Phatty.
Ms. Phatty, I like. She seems a bit bored with the camera in her face, and with Brian’s probes into her childhood, (which he turns into a tirade about the bitches who shot him down in high school. This guy seriously has something to prove.) Ms. Phatty seems more mature than the previous ladies and she seems to take her job seriously. I’d take a professional enjoying herself over conflicted girl faking it any day.
Which brings us to Nikki (after another awful music video.) Nikki is an 18 year old newbie, of which B. Pumper constantly reminds us. He constantly reminds us, because she isn’t that good. She’s pretty, but her scene is simple, and she seems constantly unsure. But, you know, she’s an 18 year old newbie, which is worth something in and of itself.
Disc two opens with Brian talking into his cell phone about how hard it is juggling careers as a porn star and a rapper. Then we’re treated with a video for the same song that opened disc one. Clearly, this guy’s life is rough. Finally, it’s time for Pinky.
I am ashamed to admit that until now, I had never seen Pinky in action. Pinky is our best selling black female star, and her trademark pink hair, gapped tooth grin, and fantastic ass have been calling to me for months. She’s one of the main reasons I chose this DVD, and she didn’t disappoint!
The other girls made their booties pop, but Pinky made her booty and her clit and her everything pop! She showed it all off, and then she showed off what she could do. Her head was two hands and mouth, pulling and twisting… even big man B. was obviously impressed. A segment of my notes reads, “slapping the dick on her face hooray!” Pinky is something special, and Brian didn’t last long.
It’s too bad he regained his strength to perform in yet another music video, “Pumper.” What follows is the most shocking and embarrassing part of all three discs. (The third is the soundtrack, which I will do you the favor of not reviewing.) It is a 20 minute plea for a job with 50 Cent. B. Pumper literally spends 20 minutes conducting a private conversation with a man who will, if he’s lucky, never see it. Twenty minutes. Private conversation. Begging for a job. In a porn! Okay, moving on.
Despite its one vibe rating, I would actually recommend this DVD to anyone into sexy, curvy ladies with a whole lotta ass. The girls are beautiful, and Pinky’s scene alone makes it worth the watch. I just couldn’t, in good conscience, give more than one vibe to a movie with a premise that perverts my pure, beloved porn, and turns it into an unsolicited job application for rap stardom. My husband is a producer, and the beats his 20 year old clients lay in our basement are many times more intricate and imaginative than those featured on this DVD. If you’ve got a job opening, 50, give it to one of them. Or to me. Or to my mom. Seriously.
So pick up the DVD and enjoy the awesome ladies and the mostly fantasic sex. The DVD is long, so there’s plenty of it, you’ll just have a lot of fastforwarding to do in between.